Our Coronavirus Diary Read online

  "Carol Pack and Barbara Paskoff’s Our Coronavirus Diary does a surprisingly good job of taking potshots at a pandemic the likes of which no one presently alive has ever experienced before. The cartoons are right on point and often hilarious, and the diary entries will appeal to anyone who’s experienced the dubious pleasures of sheltering in place day after day after day… most highly recommended.”

  — Jack Magnus for Readers’ Favorite

  OUR

  CORONAVIRUS

  DIARY

  Pack & Paskoff

  Table of Contents

  Message from the Authors

  Day 1

  Day 4

  Day 7

  Day 10

  Mask Advantage #1

  Day 16

  Day 19

  Shopping List

  Mask Advantage #2

  Day 25

  Day 28

  Mask Advantage #3

  Day 34

  Day 37

  Day 40

  Mask Advantage #4

  Mask Advantage #5

  Day 49

  Day 52

  Day 55

  Mask Advantage #6

  Day 61

  Day 64

  Day 67

  Day 70

  Mask Advantage #7

  Mask Advantage #8

  Day 79

  Day 82

  Day 85

  Mask Advantage #9

  Day 91

  Day 94

  Day 97

  Mask Advantage #10

  Day 103

  Dressed to Kill

  Day 106

  Mask Advantage #11

  Phase Out 1

  Phase Out 2

  Copyright

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE: The numbering of the daily diary entries in this edition of Our Coronavirus Diary does not match the print edition because of layout issues. However, the content remains the same, if only in a different order.

  A message from those crazy old broads at “Over-Sixty: Shades of Gray”

  Dear Reader,

  Like most people, we’ve never experienced a pandemic that has shut down our country and made us fear for our future, our friends, and our families — both health-wise and economically.

  COVID-19 is serious stuff. It’s devastating. And our hearts go out to everyone who has suffered through it or lost someone to it. It is not our intention that anything published in this book diminishes that loss.

  That said, it is our belief that life with all its treacherous dips and turns is easier to take with a spoonful of sugar. We like to look for the humor in everything because we believe it knocks the things that scare us down to size, making us feel more in control, so we can deal with our fears more easily.

  We apologize if you’re offended, hurt, or think us entirely inappropriate for the content in Our Coronavirus Diary or OCD for short. We are what we are, over-sixty and still going strong. Well, maybe not strong, but at least we’re still going.

  Thank God for adult diapers.

  Sincerely,

  Carol & Barbara

  Or as we like to refer to ourselves,

  Yin & Yang (and yes, she’s still yanging my yin)

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 1

  Dear Diary,

  This crazy virus has everyone going nuts. Not us. We’re pretty level-headed and it will all be over before we know it. Fingers crossed.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 4

  Dear Diary,

  This isn’t so bad. We were already retired, and being in lockdown is just like that. Boring. But it gives us plenty of time to binge-watch all our favorite TV shows.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 7

  Dear Diary,

  What’s all the hubbub about toilet paper? We heard people are hoarding it and store shelves are empty. Does coronavirus make people poop more? That’s a silver lining. Goodness knows, sitting around all day eating snack foods can be constipating.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 10

  Dear Diary,

  Well, I’m not dead yet, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t stopped thinking about my death tenfold since the news of the coronavirus broke.

  Prior to the shit hitting the fan, I was in the hospital with pneumonia. I was in one day and out the next. My nurses and doctors said, “Go home, it’s worse here. Lots of sickness.” Who knew what they were talking about? Certainly not I. The coronavirus wasn’t on my radar screen. But when I got home it was the only thing on my television screen.

  I checked all the boxes for “You’re in deep shit.” It was like filling out a profile for Match.Com. Age — I am over seventy. Health — I have underlying conditions. All around physicality — my immune system is shot to hell.

  The only thing I have to look forward to is a bagel and cream cheese. Which, by the way, I would never consider eating prior because it was too fattening. Not a problem now. I’m sure the coffin will fit.

  I feel incredibly vulnerable. Scared for my life, or what’s left of it.

  If the virus should take mine, I’ve put together a “Kick the Bucket” list for the undertaker, with sample sizes of all my favorite makeup, a wig already styled, and my favorite red leather

  skirt from my youth. Sure, it’s a size two, but if they have to cut it up the back to make it fit, who’s gonna know? Besides, it will give the folks at the pearly gates a free show!

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 13

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 16

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 16

  Dear Diary,

  Do we need masks? Don’t we need masks? We’re getting conflicting information. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to buy some if we could find any. They have plenty of other advantages, and will come in especially handy if we run out of toilet paper.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 19

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 19

  Dear Diary,

  I should have been a hoarder! Have you tried to book delivery service with a grocery store? Getting a date is like winning the lottery. And even when you do, you’re not guaranteed to get what you asked for. Have egg-laying chickens gone on strike? And where are my Bubba Burgers?

  Shopping List

  Eggs

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Milk

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Bread

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Bubba Burgers

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Toilet Paper

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Paper Towels

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Hand Sanitizer

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Disinfectant Spray

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Antiseptic Wipes

  X OUT OF STOCK

  Sanity

  X OUT OF MY MIND

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 22

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 25

  Dear Diary,

  What’s the deal with social distancing? Someone said six-feet, but that’s how deep they dig graves, so we don’t like that one. Eight-feet is OK, as long as we’re not stuck walking in the middle of the street. Not that there are a lot of cars with everyone isolated inside, but the few there are ALL speed - because they can. Besides, if the coronavirus can travel thirteen feet, what good is eight-foot social distancing?

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 28

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 28

  Dear Diary,

  It’s been a month since everything shut down, but they keep moving the finish line. I thought this would be OK for a week or two, but things are getting tight. Like my pants. It seems like COVID-19 stands for how many pounds we’ve gained since starting isolation. We need to open the malls again, if only to buy pants with elastic waistbands.

  Coronavirus Lockdown �
�� Day 31

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 34

  Dear Diary,

  Living in fear of the coronavirus is so aging. My jowls look jowlier. My laugh lines aren’t funny. And Jell-O isn’t the only thing I watch “jiggle.” However, nonessential medical services are now off the table, and my plastic surgeon went to the Hamptons to self-isolate. Still, I’m sure I can find do-it-yourself tips on YouTube.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 37

  Dear Diary,

  We don’t even want to watch the news anymore. Every day, there’s something new to worry about. At least there’s drama at the daily White House briefings when the president calls a reporter “terrible” for asking a “nasty question.” Then there’s dissension between POTUS and his health officials who sometimes cringe on-camera when the leader of the free world says something stupid. Too bad the news is the most entertaining show on TV right now. A word of advice: bleach does not belong inside your body.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 40

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 40

  Dear Diary,

  Lysol Disinfectant Spray? Hand sanitizer? Clorox wipes? My kingdom for a bottle of Purell!

  It’s like WWII rations all over again. From now on, everyone only gets three squares a day.

  Of toilet paper.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 43

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 46

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 49

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 49

  Dear Diary,

  Sometimes, you’ve got to think outside the box when it comes to dealing with the pandemic. And often, we can find the answer using common everyday household items. Improvisation can be so freeing.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 52

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 52

  Dear Diary,

  The roller-coaster effect of the coronavirus on the stock market is going to give me a heart attack. It’s up. It’s down. It’s up. It’s down. So, it’s actually the virus that’s giving me an underlying condition. I just can’t win.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 55

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 55

  Dear Diary,

  Social distancing guidelines prevent us from hugging all the essential people, working the front lines, however, each and every one of them deserves a hug along with our undying gratitude.

  The key word here is, “undying.”

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 58

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 61

  Dear Diary,

  With so many shortages in the stores and erratic delivery, we have had to learn to improvise.

  Did you know they actually have these washable squares that you can use in place of tissues?

  They’re called handkerchiefs!

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 64

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 64

  Dear Diary,

  I feel relieved. I feel less guilty. My vagina is free. It has been emancipated. And all it took was the coronavirus to avoid unwanted company. I can throw away my list: “Ways to Avoid Sex.” I'm now healthy. No more yeast infections. No more UTIs. No more headaches. No more backaches or “I’m too tired.”

  As long as his penis follows social distancing, I’m good! Give that man a hand — preferably his own.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 67

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 67

  Dear Diary,

  I feel so alone. I tried to keep a con man on the phone today after he demanded a gift card for an amount he says I “owe” the IRS. But before I finished complaining about my bunions and the lack of non-essential medical services, he had the nerve to hang up on me!

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 70

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 70

  Dear Diary,

  I never knew what cabin fever was because I don’t own a cabin. And then we went into lockdown. It makes people a little nutty, and like coronavirus, nuts could be hazardous to your health.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 73

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 76

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 79

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 79

  Dear Diary,

  They say exercise will keep us sane. We’ve been adapting our yoga poses, to reflect our current attitude.

  “Om” my!

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 82

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 82

  Dear Diary,

  I want to go to a beach. Or a baseball game. Or a concert. How bad can it be? Still, if I end up positive for coronavirus, don’t send me to the hospital. Or a nursing home. Just let me expire at home – like all the library books under my bed.

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 85

  Dear Diary,

  My fingernails are little nubs. My feet are calloused and swollen with toenails like lethal spears. And my hair? Let’s not even go there. I had to cover all my mirrors. Whose big idea was it to deem hairstylists and manicurists non-essential? It’s their fault I’m having an existential breakdown!

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 88

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 91

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 91

  Dear Diary,

  It sucks being old, especially when we’re in the demographic that’s the center of the COVID-19 bulls-eye. It’s not bad enough we have a new pain every day and our bowels are acting up. Now we have to wonder if the delivery guy with our fajitas is asymptomatic, and nobody realizes that sneaky COVID-19 virus is oozing from his pores!

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 94

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 94

  Dear Diary,

  Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, I touched my face. It was right after I received a shipment of toilet paper, but before I disinfected it. I sneezed and automatically covered my face with my hands. Now I may have coronavirus germs crawling all over me while my hands are full of sneezy-snot.

  Why me?

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 97

  Coronavirus Lockdown – Day 97

  Dear Diary,

  Drink.

  Eat.

  Drink.

  Eat.

  Drink.

  Eat.

  Drink.

  Eat!

  I gained so much weight, that when I got into my bed last night, that was tight! Never in my lifetime did I ever think we would be going through this nightmare. It’s so scary. So, I’m finding my comfort in eating and drinking. And I will continue to get fat and stay buzzed until I understand what this “new normal” is that everyone is talking about. And if we ever do see the light of day, my first two trips will be to Alcoholics and Overeaters Anonymous.